Self-defeating Beliefs

Well shucks. I just took this questionnaire, which is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You know what they say, how you act is tied directly to what you believe. (I feel like a “duh” should be said here but I guess they had to prove it and it’s not a given?)

The strongest “self-defeating” belief I have, according to this questionnaire, is

Everyone needs to depend on someone stronger than themselves.

In other words, this is a lie. And I believe it.

To summarize the definition, it’s possible to be too interdependent. I love the idea of community. I love the friends I’ve had. I’ve loved the churches and tight-knit groups I’ve been apart of (on mission trips, leadership teams, housemates). As an only child, and an extrovert, my whole world revolves around those “others” in my life. I depend on them for support, and I do all I can to support them. The gift of encouragement, genuinely liking and getting along with people, being that “people pleaser” who works SO HARD to do what others want and make them happy. I expect a lot in return, unconsciously. I can come on too strong. I can expect too much. And I can be horribly, horribly disappointed.

• You find yourself doing things for other people you don’t really want to.
• You avoid doing things you would like because others might disapprove.
• You constantly seek the advice of other people, and become paralysed with decision-making when you can’t get advice, or the advice you get from different people is contradictory.
• You ask someone else’s permission or opinion before you do or say things.
• You aren’t yourself around other people, instead behaving as you think they would want you to.
• You often seek reassurance that you are doing the right thing.
• You demand more of relationships than they can give.
• You fear being alone, and are miserable when others are not around.

I suspect more than just the highlighted points may be true, but I can only honestly admit to those two.

The solution to dependence? Self-direction. Marching to the beat of your own drum, so to speak.

• Choosing your goals, making sure they are your own.
• Actively pursuing your goals, rather than waiting and dreaming.
• Making your own decisions, even though you may seek opinions from others.
• Choosing to work at managing stress, developing your potential, and changing things you dislike, rather than just drifting along or expecting a miracle to occur.
• Not condemning any person (including yourself) when things go wrong in your life, even though you or someone else may be responsible; but rather identifying any causes and looking for solutions.

I can honestly say I need more of all the above.

There’s a lot more to this, but that’s all I’ll share for now.

In the end, it’s a whole lotta “you choose how you feel.” Which makes me want to slap someone.

Jeez Louise

The Fantasy of Being Rescued

Unbelievable.

I wrote this almost 2 years ago.

It is so true today. This is EXACTLY what is wrong with me and what I was talking with my counsellor last week about.

What I think about Easter

This year, there has been no lenten season (for me).

No fasting.

Just reading the odd blog by people who are more religious than I.

‘More religious’ meaning, more … committed, faithful, focused, centered (I refuse to believe that “centred” is the correct spelling, spell-check).

I forgot about Good Friday being “a day to go to church.”

My thoughts have glanced briefly over Easter, and they’ve uncomfortably moved on.

But I’ve yearned for meaning. For it to be significant to me.

I’ve said a prayer, here and there, asking God to save me, you know, yearning for that which was given on Easter 2000 years ago. Salvation.

I’ve felt the hunger – a very familiar ache – for the bread, Jesus, to fill me, sustain me, bring me back to life.

But I haven’t done much to find it. Hoping instead for the short path to the end of my sorrows instead of the long, painful, uphill journey to peace once more.

Why don’t I want to follow, follow the Shepherd out of the rocky cleft, or wherever the hell I am. Bleating, pathetic, stuck, lost. Up and out and away back we go right?

Have I lost my faith? Do I not believe?

Might as well have. My belief makes no difference. It doesn’t change my actions. I am as good as spiritually dead, without the bliss of ignorance or delusions of self-righteousness.

But I’m not losing my faith. I’m just losing my life. I’m drowning in “should dues”. I should do this, I should do that. I know exactly what I should do. But I do not.

I’m struggling tonight, before Easter Sunday, to see how the risen Christ, the saviour, will save me from myself. Or is His love so big he’ll let me go my own way? If it’s up to me to choose rightly, I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know how to follow.

Today was good

for a while.

More thankfulness

Not feeling it. Forcing it. Fakin’ it till I make it.

26-30 – Five things I’m grateful for. That are good and bring me happiness.

Looking forward to a trip to the Maritimes. Planning it out, getting excited for the Cabot Trail and the Bay of Fundy and staying at Bed & Breakfasts.

Planning an Easter brunch with friends – I love cooking, I hope these recipes are good! Carrot muffins, a ham, swiss and tomato strata (it’s like a french toast casserole with bread layers that soaks up the egg and milk and then you bake it), and a salad with grapefruit juice.

Helping a lady find her way to English classes. Our conversation was brief, and I’m pretty sure she was pronouncing “school” as “sucre” but I’m glad I could help; it reminded me I was human after a particular hard day.

It’s Wednesday. Getting things accomplished at work means I’ve slowed down. It doesn’t look like it’ll be a stressful lead-up to Easter weekend.

Star Trek. Let’s be honest, I’m grateful for that. I’m finishing up the last season. It’s been really good. I love Worf.

Practising Gratefulness

21 Breaking my dependency on caffeine and enjoying a cup of redbush tea

22 Being able to open the window at work, to feel the breeze, and hear the cars drive by.

23 A lunch of roasted vegetables and pasta, leftovers from dinner. Yum!

24 Helping my co-worker scan photos, which will go in a slideshow at her father’s funeral, and being able to see these precious moments captured on film.

25 The printer, eventually, printing.

 

(Earlier, from the Twitterverse)

11 Spot, this is down. Down Is good. … This is up. Up is no. #tng

12 a warm bed and hypoallergenic pillow. 13 a quiet neighbourhood 14 the sound of cars driving thru the rain.

15 people who love me 16 sleepiness not insomnia 17 a full days work 18 learning to meditate 19 a mind full of a wise man’s words #1000gifts

20 multivitamins and allergy tests and the ability to live healthier #1000gifts

Moody Me

I downloaded an app called Moody Me. It’s free. You can record your moods with it. I recommend it.

1000 Gifts

1 Squirrels.

2 Robins.

3 The lace you see when you look up beneath the tree branches and see the sky.

4 warm breezes in the Spring

5 Jamaican’s “peas n rice” and Jerk chicken

6 Worf.

7 Ginger cookies

8 Ikea

9 Tax returns and my husband who filed my taxes

10 J. I. Packer and “Knowing God.”