Self-defeating Beliefs

Well shucks. I just took this questionnaire, which is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You know what they say, how you act is tied directly to what you believe. (I feel like a “duh” should be said here but I guess they had to prove it and it’s not a given?)

The strongest “self-defeating” belief I have, according to this questionnaire, is

Everyone needs to depend on someone stronger than themselves.

In other words, this is a lie. And I believe it.

To summarize the definition, it’s possible to be too interdependent. I love the idea of community. I love the friends I’ve had. I’ve loved the churches and tight-knit groups I’ve been apart of (on mission trips, leadership teams, housemates). As an only child, and an extrovert, my whole world revolves around those “others” in my life. I depend on them for support, and I do all I can to support them. The gift of encouragement, genuinely liking and getting along with people, being that “people pleaser” who works SO HARD to do what others want and make them happy. I expect a lot in return, unconsciously. I can come on too strong. I can expect too much. And I can be horribly, horribly disappointed.

• You find yourself doing things for other people you don’t really want to.
• You avoid doing things you would like because others might disapprove.
• You constantly seek the advice of other people, and become paralysed with decision-making when you can’t get advice, or the advice you get from different people is contradictory.
• You ask someone else’s permission or opinion before you do or say things.
• You aren’t yourself around other people, instead behaving as you think they would want you to.
• You often seek reassurance that you are doing the right thing.
• You demand more of relationships than they can give.
• You fear being alone, and are miserable when others are not around.

I suspect more than just the highlighted points may be true, but I can only honestly admit to those two.

The solution to dependence? Self-direction. Marching to the beat of your own drum, so to speak.

• Choosing your goals, making sure they are your own.
• Actively pursuing your goals, rather than waiting and dreaming.
• Making your own decisions, even though you may seek opinions from others.
• Choosing to work at managing stress, developing your potential, and changing things you dislike, rather than just drifting along or expecting a miracle to occur.
• Not condemning any person (including yourself) when things go wrong in your life, even though you or someone else may be responsible; but rather identifying any causes and looking for solutions.

I can honestly say I need more of all the above.

There’s a lot more to this, but that’s all I’ll share for now.

In the end, it’s a whole lotta “you choose how you feel.” Which makes me want to slap someone.

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