Depression

The hardest part about depression is when it suddenly goes away for a day and you get a glimpse of yourself, for the first time in a long while, genuinely happy. Not just laughing at something funny (I can always laugh) but actually just enjoying things, like the sound of people making dinner in our apartment complex or the comfort that comes from a bowl of chicken noodle soup when you have a cold. Not so much the fact that they’re “simple pleasures,” but being simply pleased, no matter the circumstance.

On those days, I make lots of light-hearted comments because I’m not tethered by fear of saying something wrong. I can love freely, and not be apologetic or fearful but simply pursue others. Generally, I’m funnier and kinder.

It’s the same sort of freedom I usually feel after drinking alcohol, I’ve noticed. It’s being very aware of – and content in – the moment. Enjoying my husband and enjoying the book I picked up to read. Enjoying the process of mixing spices to make a rub for a turkey breast. Enjoying a cup of tea.

Honestly, it felt a bit like I was high and I wondered if perhaps I was dying. (you know, like maybe I’ll die tomorrow and God is making my last day on earth supernaturally pleasant, so I can at least say, “I died happy.”)

And then today, discontentment, discouragement – ah but who am I kidding, it’s depression – settled in again. I got sad because of disappointment and fear for the future, and then sadder still when I realized how immobile I am to ever change because of the depression.  Nothing changed about my life from yesterday to today, but yesterday I was happy because all I was thinking about was what was in front of me (food. book. husband.), and today I’m sad because I realized all that was not (dreams deferred. disappointment. hopelessness.). Recognizing such a drastic shift had occurred without anything actually changing my life, left me even more depressed, as I felt helpless against my changing moods, and hopeless that I’d ever get to the point where I’m stable enough to not  be undermined by such a petty thing as jealousy or disappointment.

How do you climb out of something that you don’t know how you got into in the first place?